All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
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Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
“You’d better run, egg!”
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”