All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)