All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
You Might Also Like
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Was it something I said?
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind