All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
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If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
When I said I liked it rough.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME