@ScottLinnen

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

You Might Also Like

@ericsshadow

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

@Rollinintheseat

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

@thepunningman

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

@emily_tweets

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.

@Reverend_Scott

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

You'll die soon

“OMG HOW”

Hold on I have another call

@danjan13

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

@Ideal_Victoria

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.