@WhatevaConc Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
@ScottLinnen All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
You Might Also Like
@WhatevaConc 
@ericsshadow ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
@Rollinintheseat I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
@thepunningman Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
@emily_tweets This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
@Lisa_Laughs_ Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
@tiReynard Fat chances are my favorite chances
@Reverend_Scott [Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
@danjan13 Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
@Ideal_Victoria I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.