All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

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ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote


I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.


Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.


This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.


Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.


[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

You'll die soon


Hold on I have another call


Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.


I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.