All I’m saying is the only team building exercise we had when I started working was called “Happy Hour.”
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We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.