All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
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my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.