All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
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True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
“We will wed,” I threatened
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
My purse is deeper than some people.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I enjoy a good short stor
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.