All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
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Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.