All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
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*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
peeping toms
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
omg leave her alone
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question