All is fair in drunk and war.

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I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.


[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
lemme see


Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is


*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*


I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.



ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one


“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*


Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?


Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.


Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.