All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
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Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*