All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
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Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified