all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
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best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
That earthquake could have been an email.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
emergency phone
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*