all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
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Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony