All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
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When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/