Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
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Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.