Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

Worst perfume name ever.

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.