All my friends asking me for a #PS5 馃槀
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Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don鈥檛 even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I鈥檓 pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you鈥檙e not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Y鈥檃ll ready for this
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 馃
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn鈥檛 just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it鈥檚 definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I鈥檓 impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They鈥檙e all grounded.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who鈥檚 your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he鈥檚 the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
This made me laugh more than it should鈥檝e 馃槶
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please