All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.
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Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I get distracted pretty eas
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
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The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
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I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?