@OhNoSheTwitnt

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

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@Mom_Overboard

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

@NicCageMatch

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

@rachelaxler

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

@wildrainbow2

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

@Moi_RaRa

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

@louisvirtel

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

@dafloydsta

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?