All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
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*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis