“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
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“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom: