All of my best ideas involve jail time.
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fixed it
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
lmao
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*