@SomeChrisTweets

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

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@murrman5

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

@WritePlay

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

@Cheeseboy22

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

@Skoog

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

@ThisOneSayz

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

@Hormonella

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

@BoomBoomBetty

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

@Vice_Queen

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

@squirrel74wkgn

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.