All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
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Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything