People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
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my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear