All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
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Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.