All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

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People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”


my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town


“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”


Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying


Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.


As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.


If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”


Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone


Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.


baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear