All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
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I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Home #decor warning.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read