All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
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My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.