All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
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Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.