All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
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[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
When the stylist spins you back around
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
that colleague who touches your screen
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.