All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
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Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: