All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
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Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.