All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
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Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
and now we wait
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”