All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
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Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Print is alive and well!!!
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.