All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
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I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Meow
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
pat pat