all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
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I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Ah yes. The three genders
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.