All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?