All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
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Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
for all #parents out there
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.