All right stop, coagulate and thicken
You Might Also Like
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
craving $300 all of a sudden
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro