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After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
WHO DID THIS?