All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
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The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Salad is the decaf of food.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*