All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
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[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
absolute chaos
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.