All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
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Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them