all that yoga finally paid off
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God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
worst…sale…ever
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is