*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
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I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.