All. The. Damn. Time.
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks