All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
want me to check your oil?
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.