All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
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I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.