ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
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What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Two types of dogs.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
best review i’ve ever seen
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do