“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
You Might Also Like
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles