All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

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Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.


I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.


Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.


My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal


Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.


Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish


if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”


You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.