All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
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Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.