@torrami

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

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@trevso_electric

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

@lovemydogduck

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

@noog

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

@HomeWithPeanut

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

@DranoRaul

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

@kelkulus

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

@IamEnidColeslaw

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

@alive_and_dying

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.