All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
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god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.